Bottelicious

A well earned 20 point win for the Millers over Bottesford saw them keep the pressure on the top 2 in Div B, and will see the promotion race go down to the final game of the season. (Field of Dreams, 1.30pm, Sat 1st Sept)

KCC lost the toss and were stuck in. Things weren’t looking good at 90 – 5 (26ovs) with only Chris Ladd (23) posting a score. Emma-Dale then held up on end for an hour whilst Bobby struck an important 25 in 36 balls to give the Millers something to bowl at. KCC 147 all out (44ovs)

Bottesford were never in it after a tight opening spell from Dave Strong and Andy Hiller 5-30 (11.3ovs). Ian Graham returned 3-19 (8ovs), and with Andy Hiller coming back on to clear up the tail, the home side were all out for 94.

MOM : Andy Hiller
TFC : Doug Bayford

MOM Total : Ian Graham 3, Andy Hiller 2, Grant Parker 1, Dave Strong 2, Bobby Baker 1

Twenty20 Forecast

Enough said

Leggy Roasts Lambley

Many second team regulars were missing for the visit of old rivals Lambley: The Adonis had been called up to replace Ryan Sidebottom in the England one day squad, whilst Cowlard was making his debut on the PGA Tour.

Father Ted lost the toss and we were stuck in. The pitch proved to be fools' gold: hard and straw coloured on the surface, but with all bounce and pace surgically removed.

Extras started well as Evergreen Ernie and Drurs needed go-go gadget arms to reach wides on both sides of the wicket, Leggy flapping his wings more regularly than a chicken with a fox in the coop. With a frail batting line up this was a day for dogged resistance and building a target to bowl at. This suited Drurs down to the ground grinding out another entry in the least attractive all time KCC innings.

We had reached 63 when Ernie was first to go for a chatty 21, at that stage extras leading the way on 22. Boom Boom was equally vexed by the sluggish pitch and spin at both ends, and resorted to a series of deft cuts, one passing between the keeper and first slip off the face of the bat. Ted finally ran out of patience, out also for 21 to a wild slog.

The turgid batting had been the perfect antidote for the late-arriving Dave G to get some sleep after a marathon wedding day drinking session. The sweltering sunshine had DG sweating pure lager and seeing three balls early on. However a flat batted six to mid-wicket, that rose barely a yard off the ground, saw Dave into stride for a valuable 23.

Drurs vigil was finally ended in the 192nd over for a round 50. Leggy scoring, failed to realise the milestone, surprised that even double figures had been reached.

The lower order tried to push on but found it equally heavy going. Sheriff fell to a Yorker for 6, Liam LBW for a duck, and Dave Hiller-Sister run out not backing up, when looking to protect his average. This wasn’t the case for Paul Lay, sacrificing himself without facing a ball. 155-7 at tea felt a bit below target, but not much.

Tea by Lorraine was a feast. Radishes and Beetroot the perfect root vegetable accompaniments.
As so often happens tea weighed us down initially, with Ted in a permanent double teapot stance, as Leggy and Sheriff failed to bend down over their bloated bellies to leak runs. We needed to get Lambley’s prolific opener early and Dave Hiller almost got the breakthrough but Dave G spilled a sitter at gully. Drurs took DG into the office and told him to visualise a selection of savoury treats coming towards him. The coaching paid off as a carbon copy delivery saw Dave snaffle a medium size scotch egg to get rid of the other opener. Dangerous soon got his partner, bowled middle stump around his legs, on his way to a fine spell of 2-29 off 9 overs. Sheriff got a plum LBW in his favour and we were well placed at 40-3.

Lambley’s very own KP with the chat to match could have taken the game away from us, but struggled to cope with the Miller’s banter and Ted’s inventive field positions to deny him the strike. After one splendid six, KP claimed the Field of Dreams wasn’t big enough for him, which made for laughs all round given that Lambley’s home ground is just a touch bigger than a Penny Black!

With the game in the balance Leggy’s first ball didn’t inspire confidence, a throat high beamer, but adjusted his length to get a clean bowled from a long hop next ball. Liam then followed up with another clean bowled and we were well on top. Leggy followed up with three more, all clean bowled, including KP who was quickly running out of partners.

This set up a turgid last 10 overs. Dave G was called on for some flighted filth and finally wrapped things up, Ady joyously snaffling the last man at mid on.

124 all out was another great bowling display, Leggy leading the way with 4-18 off 8 overs.

MOM: Boss Hogg

MOM in running: Jean 1, Potty 1, BJ 1, Sheriff 2, Murali 1, Dangerous 1, Drurs 1, Wensley 1, Liam 1, Cowlard 1, JB 1, Leggy 1

Twenty20 Countdown

The Twenty20 Cup, KCC's biggest game of the season takes place next Monday 27th.

2.00pm start, 20 overs a side, for the Cottee Trophy

What have we got in store?

• Coloured clothing: greens v blacks


• Songs for incoming batters and big hits


• Jean's BBQ gazebo


• Laddy's Bar


• Bunting (some culture for our Australian players)


• Possibly even an ice cream van

We'll also be selling official programmes for £1 with all the team details, plus free entry to win a £40 Indian Nights voucher.

Tell all your friends, let's hope for a bumper crowd and good weather.

Stat Attack

Barry's calculator is in danger of exploding such is the end of season jostling to top the averages.......

When rain stopped play on Saturday leaving Tinno and Rocket on decent not out scores, the battle for 1st XI Batting Honours turned into a four way race with two matches remaining...

Ian Graham 10 inns 409 runs 40.90 ave
Steve Rendu 11 279 39.86
Grant Parker 13 434 39.45
Geoff Tindsley 11 296 37.00

Grant still leads Iggy 11 to 9 in the 6 Hit competition, with Rocket joining Meeky on 5 in pursuit.

Iggy has come up fast on Bobby in the Bowling Honours whilst the latter has been sidelined by injury.

Rob Baker 55.2 13 180 17 10.59
Ian Graham 83 21 207 17 12.18

Andy Hiller-Sister (12wkts) & Strongy (10wkts) are some way back in the wicket haul chase.

Rocket leads the way with catches on 8. Tinno on 7 and Iggy 6 in striking distance.

Barry

Twenty20 Teams

Here are the teams for Bank Holiday Monday. Plenty of private battles within the game.

Will the Hiller Sisters have mercy on each other?
Will it be father or son for the Elliott's and Potts's?
Who will be the Wizard of Oz, Grant or Dougie?

Dale's "Green Shirts"

Dale Collison
Andy Hiller
Shaun King
Grant Parker
Stuart Meek
Dave Garland
Lee Potts
Rich Drury
Nick Palmer
Matt Burton
Ted Elliott
Chris Ladd

Tinno's "Black Shirts"

Geoff Tindsley
Dave Hiller
Tony Newby
Ian Graham
Rob Baker
Andy Cowlard
Steve Potts
Alex Ball
Duncan Tarran
Doug Bayford
Liam Elliott
Chris Legge

If your name doesn't appear here and you want to play, don't worry, just e-mail Tinno geofftindsley@hotmail.com

Unwelcome return for the rain

Following the recent improvement in weather and two good results, the Keyworth 1st XI knew that three more good performances at the business end of the season would see them vying for a promotion place for the third season running, and a possible return to Division A.

The match against Kirkby Portland saw the reappearance of Suffolk Tour casualty Rob Baker, sporting trimmed locks that took years and pounds off him. Bobby passed a Friday fitness test that required him to throw tennis balls at Paula’s best flowerpots (he didn’t say if he actually hit any of them…). Skipper Rocket Rendu had also been to the crimper’s; rumours were abound that IG may soon be sporting a weave from the knee-deep sweepings off the barber’s floor.

The Keyworth team also saw the return of Wensley-Dale also for his first game since the Tour, back from a unique two-centre holiday of Sicily and Blackpool. Unfortunately the weather didn’t follow him back, as light drizzle fell over the Field of Dreams as the teams arrived.

Earlier in the day in an effort to help get his eye in, Dale called Youth Policy Manger Geoff Tindsley to meet for a 12noon net. Unfortunately Tinno was ‘busy’, but delegated the task to the Hiller sisters, giving Dale their home phone number. When the number was called, a male voice answered, “Hello?”… “Is Andy or Dave there please?”… “I think you’ve got the wrong number…” “…Is that Geoff…?” “Yes, who’s that?”…”It’s Dale you numpty! You’ve given me your number rather than the twins!” Numeracy obviously not essential for a Quantity Surveyor then!

A full days play was thought to be very unlikely as the captains tossed up, so a reduced 40-over format was agreed. Rendu won the toss and not surprisingly elected to bat. IG and Grant were the opening pair as Chris Ladd was away enjoying a spot of ‘window shopping’ in Amsterdam. Grant (6) was first to fall after playing-on to a yorker, but at least managed to crash one shot over extra cover for a maximum return to keep ahead in the six hitting competition.

As the rain got heavier, IG’s trusty slog-sweep despatched one 6 and five 4’s on the way to his 38 before falling LBW to the tidy, but ginger, opening bowler.

The early net didn’t appear to help Dale (9) batting at No.3, but Geoff Tindsley (40*) and Doug Bayford (18) kept the scoreboard ticking. Keyworth were 73-3 after the first 20 overs in increasingly poor conditions.

There weren’t too many smiles coming from the scorer’s tent as the conditions were miserable for Shelly (and the weather didn’t help either…)

With no relent in the rain in sight, the umpires had a mid-wicket tête a tête, but after a lengthy discussion with the fielders and batsmen, they agreed to play on. Unfortunately the break did for Dougie as he was bowled the very next ball. As skipper Rocket walked to the wicket he agreed with Tinno that he’d get himself in for the next 4 overs then go for it. Clearly this was not a binding agreement as his first four balls resulted in; Big swing and a miss. Six over cow corner. Four through extra cover, and Straight six over the hedge. Just as Rocket (31* from 14 balls) was getting warmed up, the now torrential rain brought a halt to proceedings at 3.35pm in the 32nd over, with the Millers looking good at 152-4.

An early tea was taken with the dream team of the Graham’s & Collison’s providing the spread. Reported highlights were the ‘rare as hen’s teeth’ Corn Beef and pickle rolls, and the home-made Victoria Sponge packed with fresh cream and strawberries.

As time wore on after tea waiting for the now patchy drizzle to completely stop, the two teams entertained themselves by arranging various versions of back garden cricket, with the ever-competitive Bobby Baker nearly repeating his tour injury by slipping on the wet grass in his flip-flops (and socks!) going for a sharp close catch.

After 5pm it was pretty clear the match wouldn’t be finished and had to be abandoned, seeing the two teams head for the Salutation for an early drink.

Legge's Eleven Update

Update from Boss Hogg on last Sunday's friendly fixture away at Whatton.......

We batted first on a green wicket against a team containing 4 youngsters.
Duncan 7 (kept Meeky company)
Captain Correlli 0 (might as well have been using a mandolin. Ct by 1st slip, second attempt), Meeky 54 (someone ought to tell their young quickies that they've got to pitch it up)
Dafty 5 (solid defence & quick singles)
Cowlard 18 (nice form)
Adrian Eames 19 (incl.3 boundaries, must be the bat he borrowed)
Liam 14 & Ted 13 (nice partnership to give us a target)
JB 2 n.o.(managed to miss the fielders this time)

Total 144 didn't include a couple of overs from their 10yr old with a quick cricket ball. Liam very nicely giving his wicket with the final delivery.

Tea would put a few Saturdays to shame. Fruit kebabs the highlight

In true Sunday fashion everybody bowled and everyone but JB took wickets. He'd probably used all his luck up on Saturday. Not that we missed him as spin king Dafty was in the groove. Had two spells of magic and ended with 9-2-22-2. The second wicket being a majestic catch low down at 1st slip (guess who?). Even Dunc got his 1st ever Keyworth wicket making the last recognised batter play on. The last batsman was the afore mentioned 10 yr old who Meeky bowled to with the soft cricket ball (the things some first teamers will do for their average). Highlight being keeper Cowlard diving in front of the stumps to palm the ball away to preserve the youngsters wicket. This act produced the biggest laugh from everybody present on a day of constant wry one-liners from the old 'uns on both teams.

Ajournment to the local capped a proper Sunday.

Jeff Disney

It is with great sadness that we have learnt of the death of one our longest serving Vice President's, JEFF DISNEY.

Jeff passed away on Monday at his home and his funeral will take place at 3pm on Friday 17 August at the Methodist Church.

The Disney family provided many players for the club through the generations and many players for Keyworth United FC and part of Keyworth folklore is the story of how an 'All Disney XI' beat the 'Rest of Keyworth' 3 goals to 1 on the Boxing Day of 1910.

Jeff played for us right through the 1950's, following his father Cyril Disney who played in the 1920/30's. Jeff's two sons, Mark and Michael also played for us in the 1970/80's. Mark taking over 100 wickets.

Jeff was a key figure in writing the original History of the Club, on behalf of the Keyworth & District Local History Society.

On and off the field, his genial personality will be fondly remembered by many past and present members and we extend our deepest sympathies to Di, Mark, Michael and the Disney family.

His contribution to Keyworth Cricket Club will not be forgotten.

Barry Baker

Bat Second Keyworth

The weather was on a roll with another cloudless sky over the Field of Dreams as KCC took on the caped crusaders from Gotham Village. Strong returned from corporate hostilities at Edgbaston to replace the luckless Tuckwell – promoted to the 2nd XI.

Gotham’s skipper had got wind of KCC’s eagerness to bat first and decided to have a go on another featherbed of a wicket. This master-stroke had the Millers all at sea, and the first few overs were truly awful. This was attributed to the distractions coming from the Village Hall. With pink balloons and various girls loitering at the entrance, Laddy was convinced that Spearmint Rhino had come to Keyworth. The Hiller sisters’ attention turned to lapdancers, and preceded to serve up a smorgasboard of full tosses and half vollies, and the Millers were in a spot of bother at 50-0 off 6. Andy Hiller finally got the breakthrough, but wished he hadn’t as Rendu blew his long-haired top at the post-wicket huddle. With stare fixed on Laddy (who has never moved a fielder in his cricketing career), the captain pulled rank on mutineering team-mates (Ian Graham) who were interfering with his decisions. Change bowlers Strong and Meek tightened things up after the “Rendu Rollicking”, but the fielding continued to be shambolic, aside from a good catch at cover-point from Tindsley from Meek’s bowling. Naughty Boy Graham dropped a dolly at slip, with keeper Beake immediately appointed to Suicide Watch as the Keyworth Superstar lost the plot. Rendu himself then dropped a dolly off his little brother who was batting at No.4 for Gotham, who could barely fit his helmet on for curly hair. Graham was finally asked to bowl after a cuddle from the captain, and repeated last week’s bowling heroics with 6-31 from 16 overs, including two caught and bowled’s – funny how he catches them off his own bowling! With eight wickets down, a former Gotham superstar hobbled to the wicket, and was greeted by a beamer from Strong. “Was that not a no-ball” asked Graham. “You **** off back and let the umpires get on with it” was the charming reply, which lit the fuse of Naughty Boy Graham who then went after the Gotham Grump. A smack on the Graham’s plentiful arse from Grumpy’s bat (or was it banjo?) was missed by the umpires, who had to step in to stop a full-on rumble, as Graham lost the plot for the second time in thirty overs. Strong then suffered some late tap as Gotham posted 211-9 at tea.

Scorer Shelley enjoyed a humourless tea as the players sulked their way through Laddy and Vicky’s tea, with Coronation Chicken wraps the highlight. Baker complained of under-catering, but was sharply reprimanded that it wasn’t for spectators – especially big fat ones!

In reply, the Millers were soon in trouble at 6-2. Graham went for 1, and Parker for a duck, with quacking noises ringing in his ears from the Gotham fielders as he trudged off. The foul-mouthed Australian let rip, but got little sympathy from his Aussie mates in Bay 13 by the scoreboard. Tindsley joined Ladd and slowly rebuilt the innings. The pair put on 100 before Tindsley called the ageing opener for a quick single. Unfortunately, Laddy was still unravelling himself from a shambolic sweep shot, and was run out for 69. Tindsley completed his fifty before also perishing, along with Dougie after a big six over square leg, but consoled himself with some tinnies in Bay 13. Rendu smashed a quick 20, but the Millers were up against the run rate as Meek and Strong entered the fray. With 44 needed off 24 balls, Meek unleashed a savage over against the 9 year old leg spinner. 6, 6, 4, 6, 2 brought the game back into KCC hands, with non-striker Strong barely containing his giggles as the ball disappeared to all parts. Meek fell at the final hurdle, but his 31 left the previously whining, chippy, humourless Gotham fielders silenced. Strong slapped the winning four to cheers from the home supporters. Tindsley was missing from post-match celebrations, as he was steaming up his girlfriend’s Nissan Micra in the car park. However, the steam was not caused by writhing bodies, but from the ears of his girlfriend who was not amused with the late finish of the cricket. Beers were enjoyed in Buzz, but strangely, no Gotham players chose to drown their sorrows with the Millers, after making a speedy departure in their Batmobiles.

Senior players Strong, Graham and Ladd chose to impart their wisdom with an impromptu trip to Bridgford with the Hiller sisters. The twins had heard enough after one pint and headed off to town, but not before they had spotted KCC legend Warren Dessaur on a double-date in the Stratford Haven – what an old romantic!

MOM : Ian Graham
TFC : Grant Parker

MOM Total : Ian Graham 3, Andy Hiller 1, Grant Parker 1, Dave Strong 2, Bobby Baker 1


THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM
Back L to R: Strongy, Tinno, Rocket, Laddy, Bomber, Hiller Sister A
Front L to R: Butch, Hiller Sister D, Granty, Meeky, Dougie

Belton Beeton

A sizzling performance in the field on the hottest day of the year saw the Stiffs pick up 17 valuable points away at Belton.

Held up en route by many tractors carrying hay bales, sadly none had come from Belton, the outfield resembling a freshly cut cornfield with enough sileage to keep a herd of cows in clover for a year.

With the wicket still being mown, Big Ted lost the toss and we were stuck in. We were quickly in trouble at 20-3. Drurs was far too casual and left in the 2nd over, Ernie as usual batting three yards out of his crease was run out by the keeper, and DJ Spence played all round a straight one.

Top Man Burton and Cowlard then put on a fine 50 partnership. AC was licking his lips, both at the arrival of his travelling support with a cool box of tinnies, and the introduction of the Belton pie thrower. The trademark mid-wicket pull was in fine order and it was a stroke of genius to lose the ball in the hedge to keep it shiny for the second innings. After a week of beach cricket, Matt’s on drive was in rude health. Luck finally ran out after a couple of dropped catches, Cowlard chipping to mid-wicket for 32 and Matt out for 24.

Team Elliott came and went quickly, Ted for 4 and Liam, going from batting hero to zero, for a pad whacking duck. We needed the lower order to bail us out of trouble. Tuckers, promoted after a good spell in the Firsts, mixed his trademark forward lunge with elegant leg glances for a fine 22, supported by Leggy nudging a valuable 7. Duncan was well set on 2 not out when JB got a golden. 124 at tea was at least something to bowl at.

A meagre selection of sandwiches had the KCC fatties jostling for pole position, only for platters to emerge from the home side’s fridge. Tea was at least 8/10, clotted cream scones and generously buttered malt loaf the undoubted highlights.

We needed to be miserly in the field and AC and Liam were up to the job keeping the run rate below 2 an over, but we needed wickets. Breaking news that star all-rounder Ball had shipped just two goals in nets for KUFC, inspired Tuckers to pull off a miracle diving catch at cover point, up there with Gordon Banks in Mexico ’70. Liam was ecstatic and followed up by getting the no.3 to play on.

With the wicket starting to break up and bounce alarmingly, Boom Boom called up DJ Vespa. Tone charged in down the hill and was largely unplayable, mixing up chin music with his mystery Harmo-balls landing at the feet of wide 2nd slip.

It was the introduction of JB that again turned the match. After hearing of last Sunday’s three wicket final over, the Belton batters were like rabbits in highlights. The Adonis struck with his very first ball and then mixed up a variety of unplayable spinners and swingers. Ernie was like Chris Read behind the sticks, palming a leg side wide back onto the stumps for a freak stumping. Then JB twice followed the adage of hitting the very top of off stump. Eventually The Adonis finished with god-like figures of 7-29 off his 12 overs, a new KCC personal best.

With such a small total to defend we were always in for a tight finish. Liam bowled a fine second spell and it was left to Father Ted to swing out the last proper batsman to see us home by 11 runs. Cowlard with 0-27 off 12, Liam 2-20 off 11, and Tone 0-25 off 7, gave great support to the star of the show JB.

MOM: John 'The Adonis' Beeton

MOM in running: Jean 1, Potty 1, BJ 1, Sheriff 2, Murali 1, Dangerous 1, Drurs 1, Wensley 1, Liam 1, Cowlard 1, JB 1

Grant v Golden

An update from our resident Club Statistician Barry 'Uncle Albert' Baker ...............

Forget Hatton v Mayweather, this year's major bout is for the KCC 1st XI batting prize.

Ian Graham’s attempt to top the 1st XI Batting Averages for a third successive season is under serious threat from the “Rockhampton Ball Bully” Grant Parker.

Few sporting heroes have hailed from Rockhampton, the “Beef Capital of Australia” located off the famous Bruce Highway in Queensland – their most famous son being “Rocket” Rod Laver. Keyworth CC’s gain is Rockhampton North Knight’s (http://www.northknights.com.au/) loss, although the author is pleased to note their colours of Claret & Blue.

With just four games remaining to the rain ravaged 2007 season, the respective analysis read..

Grant
11 matches 10 inns 2 not outs 90* top score 428 runs 47.56 avg
Golden
8 matches 8 inns 0 not outs 145 top score 370 runs 46.25 avg

Grant also leads Iggy in the “6 hitters” competition 10 to 8.

Fireworks can be expected from two guys who keenly follow the stats !

Barry Baker

Legge's X1 Leave It Late

(Back) Liam, Adonis, DJ Spence, Laddy, Drurs, Meeky,

(Front) Potty, Drunken, Boss Hogg, Cowlard, Eames

A fantastic day of weather was matched by a thrilling last ball finish, as Leggy's Sunday Strollers got off the mark away at the beautiful Colston Bassett ground.

Skipper Leggy was offered the choice of whether to bat or bowl: "I'll have a bat" he declared, and strode off to open the batting himself. Sadly a second ball edge saw him quickly striding back to the pavilion a second time. Duncan Disorderly was unlucky to fall soon after to a brilliant catch. Cowlard was next to go and at 10-3 we were in a mess. DJ Vespa decided to hit his way out of the crisis with an entertaining 20 before an awful cross batted slog at the spinner.

An hour of watching Drurs navigate the ship to safe waters wasn't high on the large travelling support's agenda, but erecting all manner of tents and cooking equipment helped minds wander from the game. Liam and Drurs steadily built an excellent partnership of 75 to see us to 100. However Leggy had seen enough proper batting for one day and triggered Drurs for 44. Meeky was then bowled on the second bounce and the innings looked to be tailing away. Liam pushed on though and was finally out for a cultured career best 37, returning to a sitting ovation from his mother. In the nick of time Potty arrived from shelf stacking duties to go in at no.11. This allowed birthday boy Laddy to smite four boundaries to take us to 152 off our 40 overs.

Lemon drizzle cake was the highlight of tea.

"Bowl like Harmy" encouraged Leggy to DJ Spence with the new cherry in his hand. Sadly Tony took this too literally with the first ball landing at second slip's feet. This was a minor blip though as Tone took the first wicket. Others followed at regular intervals with good spells from Meeky, Adrian and JB as the home side slipped to 30-5, with Duncan overcoming the yips to take his first career wicket. Laddy delivered another hint to the watching selectors taking 1-5 off his 3 overs, Cowlard taking an incredible one handed catch off a wide. Fortunately the selectors were more concerned watching their burgers turning black on the BBQ.

Well on top Leggy realised he could risk bowling Drurs and himself and this ensured the score rattled along for a good half an hour. Things weren't helped by the distractions from the visiting support looking like an episode of Phoenix Nights. Rocket was entertaining the children with a blow up Sammy Snake while the local fire brigade were on red alert with Bobby creating clouds of smoke from the BBQ. Laddy was the most distracted, snaffling kebabs into his pockets rather than lofted hits into the deep.

A fine partnership from skipper Rainsford and Bradbury made for a nail biting finish, 5 needed off the last over. Could JB handle the pressure? A lofted slog from Barrie was plucked from the air by Potty and then Leggy swallowed another skier into his midrift. 2 need off the last ball and it was appropriate that Laddy took a the winning catch on his birthday. With three wickets in an amazing last owner JB finished with 4-23.

Many thanks to the Colston Bassett side for their hospitality for what was hopefully the first of many tight tussles.

The Fingerless White Coat

After another two week delay in the stop start 2007 season, the Millers made the trip to Collingham. Several players were panicking as the trip drove them East of the A1. As usual, most failed to hit the 12.45pm deadline, but with nine players in the hut raring to go, it was no surprise to see Rendu elect to bat on a featherbed.

Graham & Ladd opened up, and smashed the ball to all parts. Unfortunately, the fielders were well positioned, and it was only a no-ball in the third over that saw the scoreboard move off 0-0. Parker and Bayford then did their Australian version of the Dukes of Hazzard, tearing into the carpark, windows down, with dust spraying up behind them. Cricketing rules before the rains stated that a batsman could be dismissed nine ways. However, either the MCC had changed the rules, or the umpires were rusty, as it transpired in this game that only bowled or caught would suffice. Graham was plumb in front, but the umpire refused to unleash his finger, and soon after, he was bowled off a no-ball that wasn’t. Some how, the pair put on fifty before Laddy nicked a legside edge to the keeper, and quickly realised that walking was a ridiculous thing to do given the generosity of the umpiring. Bobby Baker arrived at the ground with his rehabilitation programme in full swing – the McDonalds family bag proving ample weight on his tender shoulder. Back on the field, Graham top-edged a slog having blushed through the applause for his fifty. Tindsley came in at 4, and soon took one in the family jewels. The pain proved too much, and he was soon caught at mid-wicket, prompting a sprint for the ice bath to reduce the swelling. A KCC collapse was unfolding as Bayford and Meek came and went, but Parker pushed on to another fine fifty before falling. Tuckwell then produced a cameo alongside Rendu to push the score beyond 200. Having proved his worth in the 2s, Tuckers was quickly padding the extras score up. A pirouette hook was straight out of the Michael Jackson dance school, and a dive to make Greg Louganis proud. Butcher Beake came in for a meaty cut at the end, and then was run out by a mile on the last delivery – but clearly the umpire refused to raise the finger, leaving Rendu on a handy 36*. 211-7 at tea was above par.

Ground Force star Charlie Dimmock provided tea, and an eyeful for those keen to look with a low-cut dress. Sadly those were the only fresh baps on display, as the stale sandwiches took some swallowing.

In reply, the Hiller sisters opened up with Strong on the corporate gravy train at 20/20 finals day, and Rendu nursing a sore knee. Both bowled tidy spells, with Andy refused at least one plumb LBW from the fingerless white coat. Dave Hiller finally got the breakthrough as Parker pouched one at cover. With the run-rate creeping up but with wickets in hand, the game was well balanced. This was soon ruined as Graham tore through the middle order with 5-21. With plenty of turn, the 9-1 legside field was well justified, with four short legs at one point, all refusing to get close enough to catch anything. The umpires then woke from their slumbers, with Square Leg white coat calling a no-ball for three fielders behind square on the legside. Ironically, two of said fielders were Aussies Parker and Bayford – did they learn nothing from Bodyline? On a roll, the umpires then decided a bump-ball was a catch, and the language turned blue as Collingham’s last hope of a win departed. The final overs as the game lurched to a bore draw, but were sprinkled with Dougie Bayford’s wily Warne-like leg spin unleashed on Div 1B for the first time, and he was unlucky not to pick up a wicket. Buster Gonad Tindsley bowled a swell spell, picking up a plum wicket, but a final flurry of wickets were not enough. Seventeen points proved a welcome haul, as the Millers headed home in the evening sunshine.

MOM : Ian Graham
TFC : Meeky

MOM Total : Ian Graham 2, Andy Hiller 1, Grant Parker 1, Dave Strong 2, Bobby Baker 1

Stiffs Wilt In Heat

Finally a glorious day of weather but a very rusty display from the Stiffs at home to Caythorpe.

News that Kingy was in the opposition squad saw Cowlard and Leggy practising their run ups mid-morning. Sadly the ex-KCC legend wasn't available, or as some suggested didn't make it out of the Railway Inn on time.

Father Ted, after a week away, won the toss and decided to bowl. Duncan Disorderly kindly offered to score, looking to rekindle his on, but mostly off, relationship with the Caythorpe scoregirl.

Cowlard and Liam bowled good opening spells and AC made the first breakthrough getting the paper boy opener to play on. Then high controversy. The Caythorpe no.3 played back to a Cowlard straight one and was rapped on the pads. The umpire's finger went up sending Cowlard jubilant. However, the batter stood his ground and Ernie reckoned there had been the thinnest of inside edges, that even Sky's 'hot spot' would have struggled to detect. By a minority vote of 2 to 9 the decision was overturned and left AC fuming: "do they ******* know how ******* hard I try to get ******* wickets" he raged to Drurs at mid-off. AC steamed in for the rest of his spell and had the last laugh with a repeat delivery that this time hit the stumps.

First change up the hill, Sheriff Hallam had as tighter rein on the runs as with the KCC cheque book, bowling his first 6 overs for 1 run. Paper boy no.2 had barely enough strength to hit the ball off the square, and Paul Lay saw common sense to drop a straight forward chance to keep the young lad in. Liam came back down the hill and finally put the opener out of his misery, Dave Garland leaping to take a catch at the back of the line out. 50-3 at halfway was a good start.

The Caythorpe middle order though batted very well, and without top fielders Benji and Potty, we lacked agility in the field: Leggy was in trouble with Trading Standards for wearing a T-shirt displaying 'Rush' beneath his KCC jersey.

One of the Hemmings clan smashed a rapid 62 and others chipped in. We spilt several simple catches, but finally DJ Spence plucked a great catch at deep square, a fine effort given that he had one eye on Club Brazilia that had relocated for the day to the outskirts of the Scout Hut.

211-8 at tea was about par. Cowlard led the way with 4-55, Liam took 3-41, Sheriff got some late tap to end with 1-33.

Tea by Jude was a high feast. Fresh pineapple and jelly beans were among the many highlights.

In reply we set off well, Ernie finding gaps between the four fielders placed between 3rd slip and 2nd gully. But the opposition got wise to Ernie, bowling a wide full toss that was guided to 4th gully, to see him out for 18. This was a typical day when everyone got in then got out. Drurs had reached 38 without alarm before foolishly playing back to a pie from the spinner that bounced half way down and rolled along the ground. DJ Spence was bowled for a hard fought 11, while Dave G chased a wide one to slip for 6. Paul Lay hit a big 6 on the way to 19, Cowlard likewise in his 16. But we were never close and it was left to Leggy to clip a four off his legs to at least get us a 2nd batting point. 137-8 was a rusty reply.

More high jinks followed after the match. We were barred entry from the Buzz by a Hen Party taking place with male strippers. We relocated to the Sal' beer garden only to find that JB didn't turn up. The Buzz wouldn't comment as to whether 'The Adonis' was part of the evening's entertainment. Ted was refreshed by his new found liking of Guinness with a dash of orange, known as 'Guinness for Girls' in the Garland Dictionary of Drink.

MOM: Andy Cowlard

MOM in running: Jean 1, Potty 1, BJ 1, Sheriff 2, Murali 1, Dangerous 1, Drurs 1, Wensley 1, Liam 1, Cowlard 1