Quiz Night Provides Answers

We raised £170 from Friday's Quiz Night towards our bowling machine fund. Thanks to everyone who supported the event. Well done to Paul Lay's 'Ping Pong Corner' for overcoming the loss of Kitcho from their side to win the event for the second year running.

Seconds Roast Lambley

The monsoon season showed no signs of abating in the principality of Keyworth. Fortunately skipper Cowlard did not have to call the toss and was delighted to insert Lambley on a cabbage patch pitch. In a 36 overs match we had by far the best of the conditions for a change. Cowlard bowled a terrific opening spell with no luck at all. Up the hill, John 'The Adonis' Beeton was also back in the groove. After 12 overs Lambley had scored just 17.

Leggy was auditioning for a part in 101 Dalmations, kit splattered in mud after several forward rolls at gully. At least he was loose to bowl first change down the hill. Young Benji had to shoulder the burden at the other end but quickly took two wickets as the visitors looked to push on. Murali Burton replaced Ben and had clearly been to see Jim Furyk to remodel his bowling action, but had sadly developed a nasty leg side slice.

Ground fielding was better than of late, led by Duncan with a fantastic sprawling dive at cow corner to save a boundary. But as ever Billy Smart's magic was never far away. First Grets and Tommy weren't on speaking terms cocking up a simple run out. Then Tommy's plans for the weekend were ruined, a simple catch going straight through his hands and crashing into the crown jewels.

Cowlard returned to get a deserved wicket, and it should have been one gets two, but Paul Lay was day dreaming in the deep and made no attempt to reach a lofty slog.

Still restricting the visitors to 115-4 at tea was a top effort: Cowlard's 1-16 and Benji's 2-25 were splendid figures.

Duncan's tea was pukka, melon a rare treat. However, the highlight would have been enough chocolate cake to go round - a schoolboy error.

In reply Drurs and Evergreen Ern' were quickly out of the traps, but then disaster. Ern' was ball-watching as Drurs called for a long single and after a mid wicket handshake Lay Snr was run out. Drurs followed 3 balls later chipping tamely to mid wicket.

Top Man Burton guided Benji through a sticky spell and we plodded to 50-2 off 20 overs. Leggy was struggling to adjudicate from square leg umpire, distracted by some youthful heavy petting on the Village Hall bench, and had to be replaced.

Skipper Cowlard was getting restless though after successive maidens, stomping to the boundary's edge to tell Burton to get on with it. Tommy was less diplomatic, shouting to him to hit his own wickets. Matt was having none of it however, fearing the worst with Cowlard, Tommy and Grets all padded up and lob bowlers on at both ends. And it was Matt who was proved right pacing the partnership to perfection. In the end we cruised home with overs to spare, Burton unbeaten on 40, and Benji thwacking anything loose on his legs hitting 8 boundaries in his 47. 16 well deserved points.

MOM: Benji
MOM in running: Drurs 1, Cowlard 1, Top Man 1, Benji 1

Firsts Give Belvoir a Licking

The team arrived to find a very wet Belvoir, although Wozza was impressed by the well-trimmed playing surface. Stand in skipper Bobby lost the toss, but would have batted anyway, and agreed to a reduced 36 over affair.

Ted and Golden got the Millers off to a steady start prior to Boom Boom pulling up lame after a sharp single. Wozza had been eager to get to the crease with a promise of quick runs, but his contribution of 9 took longer than it did for the absent Laddy to get down to Bournemouth.

Dringy (34) and Golden had a useful partnership, with Ian playing a controlled innings of 64. However, Iggy fears an Animal Rights backlash after hitting one of the Duke of Rutland’s cows with a mighty six.

Half Australian Emma committed running suicide with a 2nd that never was after looking set. Dringy’s advice to Dave Garland was prophetic as he told him that the bowler would “pitch on off and hit off”, two balls later he did just that. 100% pure Aussie Grant at last got used to the pace of English wickets and creamed a quick fire 28, ably supported by DJ Vespa and running from Butch.

187-7 at the break was above average for the conditions. Tea was below average; the highlight a buttered slice of Malt Loaf.

Rob’s team talk at half time included the call to “get the basics right”, at which point Garland pointed out the skippers jumper was on inside out.

Iggy, bowling first up, had their openers worrying about snakes in the pitch, proving unplayable for his first 6 overs. His final figures of 11-7-17-3 capped a MOM performance before he exited the field at 6.15pm.

The Millers we now effectively down to 9 men in the field as Boom Boom could do little more than stand at slip, but the Belvoir boys were never in it. Wozza proved that he doesn’t need to come to nets as he bagged a double-wicket maiden with his first over of the season. The skipper kept Tinno, the Keyworth Statto, busy by using 7 bowlers including debuts for DJ Vespa, Emma and Dave Garland. The last pair battled out the remaining 6 overs, with a final burst from Grant (who surprised everyone with an impressive appeal in Hindi), to deny the Millers outright victory. Belvoir ended their innings at 146-9. Overall, a solid workmanlike performance from an under strength side.

MOM: Golden
TFC: Bally

Saturday 27th Teams

Firsts Away v Belvoir
12.30 at Buzz or 1.00 at ground (1.45 start)

Golden, Boom Boom, Dessy, Dringo, Wensley, Judy, Bobby, Charlie, Grant, DJ Vespa, Star All-Rounder Ball.

Seconds Home v Lambley
1.15 at Field of Dreams (2.00 start)

Drurs, Top Man, Benji, Butch, Cowlard, Young Grets, Tommy, One Gets Two, Boss Hog, Duncan, Adonis

Pitch Farce

The Stiffs were stuffed away at soggy Clifton. Cowlard lost a bad toss on a pitch looking more fertile than the Nile delta. Clifton’s First team postponement was the Third’s gain as their tear-away young quickie Footitt was drafted in.

The early overs were x-rated with steepling bounce from the plasticene surface. A half volley soared past Ernie’s nose, and Drurs’ copped one first on the lid then one in the ribs. It was hit out or get knocked out. Ernie sliced one to gully, gleefully skipping back to the hutch. Drurs was dropped twice off lofty slogs and was accused of making the game a ‘farce’ by the unhappy bowler. It was soon high farce as Drury was bowled, dashing off in search of an ice-pack, and DJ Vespa, promoted from the Firsts, followed next ball middle stump spreadeagled.

Top Man Burton and Butch found the change bowling friendlier. Butch notched a nap hand of fine, thick and choice chops and slices in an entertaining 28. Then controversy. Tony will be in the market for the Ladybird Book of Cricket, failing to give Burton out when the ball ricocheted off the keeper onto the stumps.

Meanwhile the Second’s Book Club was in session: Paul Lay, Grets and Tommy discussing the transition of the Da Vinci Code from novel to big screen. The erudite chat was interrupted by a low-flying duck en-route to the Field of Dreams. Sadly it put the Indian Sign on Grets. Cowlard soon followed, but not before a high level discussion on whether you could be caught off a wide.

Murali’s vigil finally ended on 39. Paul knocked in the middle of his new bat before mis-cueing to cover. Tommy played the shot of the day through cover as we limped to 125-9 off 35 overs. Tea was above average, chicken tikka sandwiches the highlight.

We made little use of the friendly bowling conditions serving up a platter of full tosses and long hops. Leggy was if anything stiffer than last week, but put it down to bowling up a non-existent hill.

A last throw of the dice saw skipper Cowlard return to take two quick wickets, Duncan taking a stunning catch running backwards, giving a lesson to some of the senior players with fingers more buttery than the tea-time flapjack.

But it was too little to late as Clifton easily reached the target for only five down.

MOM: Top Man Burton
MOM In-Running: Drury 1, Cowlard 1, Burton 1

Rougher than a Badger’s Bottom...

Yet another strong 1st XI took the field against Kirkby on Saturday, but failed to inspire the bumper crowd at the soggy Field of Dreams. Dessy escaped the clutches of his Amsterdam chums, and Dringy made a welcome return behind the sticks. Former keeper Garland was man-managed well by the senior pros – “keep your receipt for those gloves you’ve just bought”. Benji the Badger, like any nocturnal animal, hit his set at 7am, but was dragged from his hibernation to replace DJ Sammy, who was told to stay put in the Manchester Drizzle.

The covers were removed to show a “damp bottom end” – ironic given that the Indian Nights sponsor board made its debut. After a short delay, Kirkby were inserted by stand-in captain Baker. Strong took a wicket in his first over, but with Kirkby playing positively, wickets were the key. Baker grasped the nettle, and went for 16 in his first over. With more spin than Alistair Campbell, the captain convinced his troops he was bowling well, but his 11 overs for 76 didn’t fool the statisticians. Laddy was playing “slip catch lottery”, standing in the wrong place as four chances went where he had just moved from. Aside from that, the fielding was good until Strong returned to take the hat-trick that never was. Benji the Badger dropped a sitter as he longed for his set, Dring was left in two minds about taking the catch or the stumping and did neither, and then a bottom edge failed to remove the extra heavyweight bails. 178 off 35 overs was above par.

Tea was a magnificent performance from Lady Baker, who took the opportunity of the interval to re-introduce herself to her truant husband who has spent most of the pregnancy playing sport. Highlights were stuffed olives and Coffee and Walnut cake.

In response, KCC were never in it. Laddy failed again, as did Garland, keen to keep an eye on his shopping receipt. Queenslander Parker was caught second ball, bettered by Elliot who went for a golden. Bomber Graham, Dessy and Half-Australian Dale chipped in, but it was Baker who wagged the tail with some lusty blows. Three wickets in an over was the end for Keyworth, leaving Strong to keep another red-inker and extend his lead at the top of the averages.

MOM : Baker (for his wife’s teas rather than his bowling)
TFC : Benji The Nocturnal Badger

MOM Total : Garland 1, DJ Sammy 1, Bobby 1

Saturday Selection

Please see below the selected teams for this weeks fixtures. Apologies If you are one of those not selected for this week's games. This doesn't mean that we have forgot about or ignored anyone, it is about striking the right balance. I am more than happy to explain to anyone why and how we reached our decisions if they feel they would like an explanation.

I can assure you that the team selection process this week, in particular the 2nd XI, was difficult as we have left out many players who have been good servants to us when times have been hard, so I really can assure you the decisions made were extremely hard. I hope you all appreciate the difficulty in the job.

The selection process can be very difficult when you have few to choose from, it is a bloody sight harder to select a team when there are plenty to choose from, so I would ask for patience as there are many of us that will miss out in the future weeks, equally this means that there are a few whom will get a chance to shine.

1st Team
Home to Kirkby Portland
(Meet at Ground: 1.00pm. Please inform Rob Baker or Ted only if you are unavailable)

C. Ladd, I. Graham, S. Bradley, G. Parker, M. Dring, D. Garland, S. Meek, D. Collison, W. Dessaur, R. Baker, D. Strong

12th Man / Scorer: T. Elliott
Teas: Paula Baker
Start of Play: 1.45

2nd Team
Away to Clifton 3rd’s
(Meet at Buzz: 1.00 or Ground: 1.15 Please inform Andy or Ted only if you are unavailable)

R. Drury, E. Lay, T. Spence, A. Cowlard, M. Burton, I. Gretorex, R. Beake, P. Lay, D. Hallam, C. Legge, S. Thomas

12th Man / Scorer: D. Tarran
Umpire: Volunteer required
Start of Play: 2.00

Any problems please do not hesitate to contact myself on either of the numbers listed below.
Regards
Ted
Office: 0115 9849146 Mobile: 07881 914841

Heads To Roll after Millers Collapse

After the resounding win on the opening day, the First team returned to their expected early season form, and lost at a soggy Attenborough.

The toss was lost and the Millers were in the field. Bradley returned from Lancashire with some new Northern insults, but mysteriously had “lost” all his cricket shirts, so “had” to wear his Lancashire shirt that he’d nicked from Freddie Flintoff.

Rocket looked flacid in his opening spell, lacking his normal erect bowling style. His decision to bowl round the wicket to the left hander (who wasn’t facing) left team-mates bemused. Rather than admit his crass error, he bowled a useful round the wicket spell to the right hander. Inroads were made once Strong bowled his first bad ball which was pulled to Meeky who took a smart catch. Rocket snaffled a wicket with another rubbish delivery, but then Gunslinger Parker entered town. After some huge wides, he found his aim, bowling the opposition Captain with a shooter. The normally quiet Australian reverted to type as he directed the batsman to the dressing room with a finger pointing, knee pumping celebration – a combination of Brett and Bruce Lee. At tea, Attenborough had managed 168 for 6 off 40 overs, helped by Baker bowling like a drain.

Tea was a civilised affair of plated ham salad with all the trimmings. Tea was eaten with knives and forks – a first for some in the Millers line-up.

The Keyworth reply started quickly with Ladd and Graham reunited once again in the middle. Laddy got a slightly better LBW than a fortnight before, and Gunslinger Parker also fell to the umpire’s trigger finger. Contributions from Bradley, Graham and Rendu got the team to 100-3, but within half an hour it was all over, as the strongest KCC batting side for years collapsed at the hands of two fifteen year old bowlers.

Sorrows were drowned in the Stratford Haven with some speed drinking. The disappearance of keeper Garland between Attenborough and Bridgford caused some concern, and the police have started a nationwide search. Getting just two runs, and letting through plenty of byes may have pushed the Kiwi over the edge – they don’t take defeat well.

MOM : DJ Sammy (for driving from Manchester).
TFC : Wensley Dale (he’s half Australian apparently)

MOM Total : Garland 1, DJ Sammy 1

Keyworth Uncovered

After a balmy week it was sod’s law that Saturday should dawn grey and damp at the Field of Dreams. But this gave Ernie the chance to try out his new pitch covers and happily these ensured a prompt start for the visit of Balderton.

The Stiffs were buoyed with news that the Sheriff, Adonis and star all rounder Ball would all be ready to don the whites before the end of May. Top Man Burton missed out still sore after being gelded midweek.

Skipper Cowlard lost the toss again but was delighted to bowl first. He was less happy with Leggy’s opening spell that was stiffer than a Rendu team talk. Pistol Pete seemed distracted by tapping up allegations from Fiskerton and spilled a sitter at cover as the opposition reached 50 in no time.

Father and son Elliott came on first change and Benji soon struck. Tommy was safe hands at cover, and in the same over a great yorker saw Balderton on the back foot. However the third wicket partnership started to look menacing. Tommy and Benji were not on speaking terms colliding to spill a simple chance, and Dimps was soon practising his audition for a future edition of Grumpy Old Men as Ernie dropped our 9th of the season.

Cowlard had seen enough and returned to make the vital breakthrough, Drurs catching a sharp drive at the second attempt. Leggy’s two-footed tackle on a return drive would have brought a straight red in other sports but here increased the pressure.

The runs dried up and after the allotted 40 overs the visitors were restricted to 131-7. Cowlard led the way with 2-10 off 10 overs, Elliott Snr. was close behind with 1-22 and Elliott Jnr. took 3-53.

The highlight of Butch’s tea was finely sliced egg sandwiches. A lack of milk was a schoolboy error.

In reply wickets tumbled early, Ernie and the Elliotts all gone inside 10 overs. Butch was into his stride quickly with a thick chop but was unwise to cut a slowly spun yorker and was plum leg before. At 44-4 our prospects were as gloomy as the light, leaving Cowlard to rue his decision to leave the sightscreens locked up.

Drurs meanwhile was proving harder to dislodge than Tony Blair and set about building a match winning partnership with Cowlard. The opposition bowlers ran out of ideas, as boundaries started to flow, and in the end we cruised home, Drury unbeaten on 55, Cowlard not out 48.

M.O.M. Andy Cowlard
M.O.M in running Drurs 1, Cowlard 1

Saturday Teamsheets

1st Team

Away to Attenborough
(Meet at Buzz: 12.00 or Ground: 12.30. Please inform Renders or Ted only if you are unavailable)

C. Ladd, I. Graham, S. Bradley, G. Parker, S. Rendu, D. Garland, S. Meek, D. Collison, R. Baker, D. Strong, S. Tuckwell

12th Man
T. Elliott

2nd Team

Home to Balderton
(Meet at Ground: 12.45. Please inform Andy or Ted only if you are unavailable)

R. Drury, E. Lay, B. Elliott, A. Cowlard, T. Elliott, I. Gretorex, R. Beake, P. Lay, D.Tarran, C. Legge, S. Thomas

12th Man
D. Baldrey / J. Beeton

10 Man Effort Crushes Caribs

The First team shrugged off the expected sluggish start to the season with a resounding win against newly promoted West Indian Caribs. Cocky Rendu could barely contain his excitement as he stirred his team with an arousing pep talk before the game.

Openers Ladd and Queenslander Parker went out to bat, bathed in weather straight from the Sunshine State. Within twenty minutes, the innings was in a Right State. Ladd failed to last the first over, eager to listen to Watford’s playoff rout. Parker soon followed, whilst Tony’s mind wandered to next week’s visit of a “Special Friend from London” – 18 for 3.

The ship was listing, so ballast was called for - Elliot T duly obliged. The Keyworth Fielding Curse struck the Caribs, as they spilled a dozen catches, and the Millers took advantage. Rendu and Elliot hit thirties, whilst Garland and Baker swapped sixes until rain forced an early tea. Highlights from Jude were potato wedges, and the classic chocy biscuit cake. The restart saw Baker throw his wicket and get back before tea was cleared, but Dale and Dave Strong helped Garland to see the innings home, with the burly ex-Kiwi ending 75*. Barry Baker called him “the son I never had” – high praise indeed.

Chasing 240 odd, the Caribs were never in it. Dave Strong got a wicket with his first ball for the club, but ended as Dave Weak – his eight overs up the hill leaving him as stiff as the captain. Wickets were shared around, including a first wicket for Nice Guy Eddie. Good fielding wasn’t enough for Captain Ron Jeremy who wanted more, despite him dropping the biggest Dolly since the mutant sheep. As the ninth wicket fell, Laddy was bouyed by the fact that Benji had done nothing all day either. The Carib No11 duely pushed one to the teenager and called for a suicidal single. Benji claimed an easy run out, and Ladd was left to butter up the selection committee,whilst the captain celebrated with a Semillon in the bar.

MOM : Dave Garland.
TFC : Laddy

Rain Stops Play for Seconds

The Seconds couldn't beat the weather away at Underwood. Skipper Cowlard, already hungover, had more headaches with a squad of just nine available for the trip north of the river. The new bowling machine was asked to travel. And age wasn't on our side either: a glance around the dressing room revealed Tommy as the young pup of the side at 34!!

As usual we bowled first and there were gaps a plenty in the field. However, after last week's shambles in the field all the bowlers had vowed to bowl at the stumps. Both Cowlard and Boss Hogg Leggy bowled much tighter lines and hit the stumps in consecutive overs. Spin twins Murali Burton and Drury were introduced to make a game of it and both found a way through the gate.

In between there was some usual dross and poor Tommy's head was spinning back-pedalling to chase some mis-cued hoiks. Overall we fielded well given the average age of the side was pushing 50. And Top Man Burton put in an early claim for Fielder of the Year, with a terrific direct hit from a straight drive that stopped just short of the boundary, as the outfield began to get wet. Not to be out-done, last year's star fielder John 'The Adonis' Beeton showed plenty of bling stooping to catch a blinder at deep mid off off Drurs.

By now the drizzle was persistent and an early tea was taken at 120-6 off 30 overs. Tea was plain but filling; the highlight jam tarts and over-size cups of tea. The rain showed no signs of easing off so stumps were drawn.

Saturday Teams

First Team v West Indian Caribs (Home)
12.45 for 1.30 start

C. Ladd, S.Bradley, G.Parker, T.Spence, D.Garland (+), T.Elliott, S.Rendu (c), R.Baker, D.Strong, B.Elliott, E.Johnson.

Please confirm availability to Ted (07881 914841)

Second Team v Underwood (Away)
Meet at Buzz (The Key) 12.00 leaving at 12.15pm or at the ground for 1.00pm
Ground is across the road from Underwood Miners Welfare (on Church Lane)

R Drury, E Lay (+), M Burton, A Cowlard (*), R Beake, C Legge, P Hardy, D Baldrey, J Beeton

+ 2 others (if you're reading this and want a game, please call Ted on number above)

Catches Win Matches

The old adage came back to haunt KCC as the Stiffs lost out to Underwood. The Field of Dreams looked lush but the pitch was remarkably dry given recent April showers.

We lost the toss and fielded and signs of rust were immediately evident as Cowlard and Legge sprayed it all over the place. Things weren't helped by our awful catching. Skipper Cowlard had bought a pedometer to keep track of the season's dropped catches and was in overdrive as six went down on the day. Boom Boom spilled the first at gully. Then Grets pulled up Rooney-like at cover aggravating a stag night injury. Fortunately Snapper was then posted to deep gully and took the only outfield catch of the day off DJ Vespa on first change. The arrival of Baker was perfectly timed to see a listless Ladd spill a regulation nick at first slip off new boy Grant's second ball in English cricket. Things got worse as Drury made a mess of a lofted drive, slightly put off by Leggy's dying swan follow through.

At 100-2 off 20 overs we were behind. But it proved to be one of those days when the slower you bowled the harder it was to hit. Drurs came on to bowl some filth from the top end and found the Underwood batters and umpire unable to judge a Gilo-line some feet down leg side. Leggy and then Cowlard came on for second spells and also cut down the pace and run rate. Drurs finally bowled two at the stumps to get breakthroughs. Cowlard followed up with two in two balls. But quickly put his wallet before personal glory: the hat trick ball barely pitching on the cut strip. Cowlard finished with 4-32 off 7 overs, Drury 2 for 20 off 8 overs and Leggy 2-51 off 13 (following a miscount from the umpire).

176 all out at the break was a fine comeback. Tea was 'stile italiano' courtesy of the Legge's. Highlights were insalata di pasta di tonno and the awesome sorpresa di barbabietola.

In reply we made a sprightly start, Laddy and Drurs punishing some wide rubbish. Laddy though was soon incredulous, out leg before, shouldering arms to one that pitched on the adjoining astroturf, too wide for Hawkeye to compute. Ernie had more eyes for his new sightscreen mis-timing one to cover. Drurs and DJ Spence then put together a steady stand pushing along at four an over without alarm. At 105-2 off 25 overs we were well placed. Drurs' played a tired shot to be out for 41, but the stage was set for our powerful middle order to push on through.

However, five dead ducks saw local residents racing to call the DEFRA hotline as panic of a bird flu outbreak spread across the village. First, Parker capped a Surtees-like debut triggered to one that 'snicko' judged to be bat against pad but not ball. Ted was another unhappy leg before, but Cowlard had no excuses for an awful paddle across a straight one. Butch kept the run of blobs going. Leggy slowed down the procession, but only through batting without a box, and holding up play for about 10 minutes to adjust his crown jewels.

Through all the coming and going, Tony held firm and was joined by hobbling Grets for the last stand. The boys had a good stab Grets reaching 18 before being last out, Tony ended unbeaten on 48.

152 all out was disappointing. Ours was the only match played so 7 points already puts us in the promotion places.

M.O.M. Drurs