Bat Second Keyworth

The weather was on a roll with another cloudless sky over the Field of Dreams as KCC took on the caped crusaders from Gotham Village. Strong returned from corporate hostilities at Edgbaston to replace the luckless Tuckwell – promoted to the 2nd XI.

Gotham’s skipper had got wind of KCC’s eagerness to bat first and decided to have a go on another featherbed of a wicket. This master-stroke had the Millers all at sea, and the first few overs were truly awful. This was attributed to the distractions coming from the Village Hall. With pink balloons and various girls loitering at the entrance, Laddy was convinced that Spearmint Rhino had come to Keyworth. The Hiller sisters’ attention turned to lapdancers, and preceded to serve up a smorgasboard of full tosses and half vollies, and the Millers were in a spot of bother at 50-0 off 6. Andy Hiller finally got the breakthrough, but wished he hadn’t as Rendu blew his long-haired top at the post-wicket huddle. With stare fixed on Laddy (who has never moved a fielder in his cricketing career), the captain pulled rank on mutineering team-mates (Ian Graham) who were interfering with his decisions. Change bowlers Strong and Meek tightened things up after the “Rendu Rollicking”, but the fielding continued to be shambolic, aside from a good catch at cover-point from Tindsley from Meek’s bowling. Naughty Boy Graham dropped a dolly at slip, with keeper Beake immediately appointed to Suicide Watch as the Keyworth Superstar lost the plot. Rendu himself then dropped a dolly off his little brother who was batting at No.4 for Gotham, who could barely fit his helmet on for curly hair. Graham was finally asked to bowl after a cuddle from the captain, and repeated last week’s bowling heroics with 6-31 from 16 overs, including two caught and bowled’s – funny how he catches them off his own bowling! With eight wickets down, a former Gotham superstar hobbled to the wicket, and was greeted by a beamer from Strong. “Was that not a no-ball” asked Graham. “You **** off back and let the umpires get on with it” was the charming reply, which lit the fuse of Naughty Boy Graham who then went after the Gotham Grump. A smack on the Graham’s plentiful arse from Grumpy’s bat (or was it banjo?) was missed by the umpires, who had to step in to stop a full-on rumble, as Graham lost the plot for the second time in thirty overs. Strong then suffered some late tap as Gotham posted 211-9 at tea.

Scorer Shelley enjoyed a humourless tea as the players sulked their way through Laddy and Vicky’s tea, with Coronation Chicken wraps the highlight. Baker complained of under-catering, but was sharply reprimanded that it wasn’t for spectators – especially big fat ones!

In reply, the Millers were soon in trouble at 6-2. Graham went for 1, and Parker for a duck, with quacking noises ringing in his ears from the Gotham fielders as he trudged off. The foul-mouthed Australian let rip, but got little sympathy from his Aussie mates in Bay 13 by the scoreboard. Tindsley joined Ladd and slowly rebuilt the innings. The pair put on 100 before Tindsley called the ageing opener for a quick single. Unfortunately, Laddy was still unravelling himself from a shambolic sweep shot, and was run out for 69. Tindsley completed his fifty before also perishing, along with Dougie after a big six over square leg, but consoled himself with some tinnies in Bay 13. Rendu smashed a quick 20, but the Millers were up against the run rate as Meek and Strong entered the fray. With 44 needed off 24 balls, Meek unleashed a savage over against the 9 year old leg spinner. 6, 6, 4, 6, 2 brought the game back into KCC hands, with non-striker Strong barely containing his giggles as the ball disappeared to all parts. Meek fell at the final hurdle, but his 31 left the previously whining, chippy, humourless Gotham fielders silenced. Strong slapped the winning four to cheers from the home supporters. Tindsley was missing from post-match celebrations, as he was steaming up his girlfriend’s Nissan Micra in the car park. However, the steam was not caused by writhing bodies, but from the ears of his girlfriend who was not amused with the late finish of the cricket. Beers were enjoyed in Buzz, but strangely, no Gotham players chose to drown their sorrows with the Millers, after making a speedy departure in their Batmobiles.

Senior players Strong, Graham and Ladd chose to impart their wisdom with an impromptu trip to Bridgford with the Hiller sisters. The twins had heard enough after one pint and headed off to town, but not before they had spotted KCC legend Warren Dessaur on a double-date in the Stratford Haven – what an old romantic!

MOM : Ian Graham
TFC : Grant Parker

MOM Total : Ian Graham 3, Andy Hiller 1, Grant Parker 1, Dave Strong 2, Bobby Baker 1


THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM
Back L to R: Strongy, Tinno, Rocket, Laddy, Bomber, Hiller Sister A
Front L to R: Butch, Hiller Sister D, Granty, Meeky, Dougie