Useless Tosser

The Stiffs just failed to snatch an improbable victory in a classic game against old rivals Wilsons.

The selection merry-go-round saw a squad of 12 at the Field of Dreams, with Dimps opting to don the umpires coat. The return of the Legends continued, first Scooby, and now Kitcho returning home after five years on the golf course.

Hopes were high with Cowlard taking on the captain's role after an unbeaten stint last season, but lost a vital toss that saw us batting first on a damp track after a wet week.

The Wilsons' medium pacers got plenty of low bounce and slow pace with the new ball and our top order were all at sea. Scooby crashed a magic back foot boundary through the covers, but then chipped a full toss to square leg. Duncan Disorderly was low on sleep and was soon back for a nap after a brief 2. Then Cowlard, fresh from a maiden century, went from hero to zero, caught behind first ball. Ernie got frustrated and was bowled on the charge for 7, and we were in a mess at 22-4. Jude arriving with the teas, was greeted by Cowlard; "you best hurry up!".

Drurs and Paul 'One Gets Two' Lay dug in for a dull but necessary partnership, like Boycott and Tavare in their prime. Not only did they need to shut out the Wilsons' seamers, but also the dreadful beat box from the local youths on the Nottingham Road benches, with an awful mix of tinny tunes, DJ skills more Simon Harris than Calvin Harris.

Inspired by a blast of 'Pass the Dutchie', Paul whacked his first boundary and things were looking up as both opening bowlers finished their allotment. Then Paul got the ball of the day, shaping to leave a wide that swung in at least two feet to clip the top of off. A partnership of 36 meant we might at least have tea ready on time.

Kitcho strode to the crease and made a mockery of the previous huffing and puffing, starting 0, 4, 4, 4. Drurs battled on before being caught and bowled for 34. Liam made just 1, but 16 year old Billy Harrison showed a lot of promise with a fine 17, including the shot of the day an effortless 6 clipped almost to the Scout Hut. Kitch smacked a beautiful 7 iron straight into Ashley Road gardens but then was clean bowled for a fine 33.

The Under 12's had arrived for a spot of practice under the expert eyes of Legends Tuckwell and Palmer. And backs were soon to the play as Leggy strode to the crease with a set of cross bat slogs that wouldn't be found in any coaching manual. The Boss hit 13 all through the mid wicket arc. The innings ended with Leggy running out Pete Harrison to see us all out for 127, well below par, but far better than feared.

Tea by Jude would have fed a small army for weeks. Highlights were coronation chicken wraps and flapjacks, while Tinno wolfed down at least half a dozen slices of chocolate biscuit cake.

In reply, the ball was old and the pitch had dried out, and while we bowled tidily, the Wilsons openers were untroubled in putting on 54 for the first wicket.

Scooby finally got a breakthrough, Leggy pouching a catch off a fine slower ball. Defending such a small total, our fielding was fantastic, with all manner of shins, ankles and beached whale dives being used to save valuable runs. Cowlard was safe hands at first slip as Scooby bowled out his 12 overs, taking 2 wickets for just 15 runs. It was like old times up the hill and Kitch deserved better as a couple of slower balls missed by inches. Cowlard took over and prised out 3 wickets, Kitch holding a blinder at extra cover.

The returning First Team had cracked open the Crucial Brew and sensed an unlikely upset was on the cards. Leggy had nerves of steel taking 4-22 as the pressure built. Cowlard took two catches, one a blinder at deep mid on, the other a stroke of luck as he collided with Pete Harrison, only for the ball to bounce up into his hands.

From nowhere, the last pair were at the crease with 8 need to win. Dimps looked more uncomfortable than Gordon Brown on You Tube, as we had at least a dozen LBW shouts: one that pitched on the astroturf looked close, while another that came off the inside edge was clearly hitting middle. But we couldn't breakthrough and the scores were tied into the last over. Kitch was roared in down the hill and almost took a miraculous caught and bowled as the winning run was struck.

Despite losing, we strangely had a winning feeling, after almost clawing back a victory from an awful start.

Post match comment centred on revelations that after losing 10 kilos in the close season, Leggy had been approached to act as Samit Patel's fitness coach.