Murali Turns It For Stiffs

A fine win for the Stiffs at home to Long Whatton.

Where to begin on a day with enough laughs to last a whole season? The fun and games started before the off. HM Customs paid a flying visit to the ground on a tip off that Albanian immigrants were being smuggled into Keyworth. Happily it proved to be a misunderstanding, simply half the squad appearing from the back of Ted’s Artex van.

Pre-match catching practise got out of hand as usual, a stray throw from Cowlard rebounded off the wall straight onto Matt Burton’s new Jag’. Fortunately it was a glancing blow.

Losing the toss, we were put in. Unaware that the match was reduced to 40 overs, Drurs and Potty set off like Boycott and Tavare, determined to see off the new ball paper boy attack. Fortunately season ticket holders Lorraine and Cath had an industrial size flask of strong coffee to get them through the tedious early overs.

Drurs was clearly confused from the pre-match discussion about how you couldn’t be out off certain balls, ridiculously cutting a wide to point for 16. Potty followed soon after for 13. And this set about a revolving door policy for the rest of the innings: as soon as people got in, they got out.

DJ Spence looked in great touch until too much bottom hand saw him caught at mid-wicket for 21: later heavily fined by Ted “a shit shot to go with your shit shoes”. Aussie Doug had failed to warm up and pulled his thigh second ball, and was clearly going to deal only in boundaries, but was out for 5 playing a shot more at home on the bouncy tracks of Perth. Top Man Burton was another who got in then out for 8.

Meanwhile Benji was sailing along. Father Ted asked, “how many has he got?” clearly fearing another expensive jug. “18” came the reply to startle the skipper. But it could have just as easily have been 80 as 18 given the way Dave Hiller was cooking the books. Ben got no further, struck down by the Cowlard Virus, bowled swishing to leg.

The highlight of this match, and probably the season, was the innings of Cowlard. Keyworth legends Meek and Palmer were boiling over at the prospect of Leggy standing as umpire to his great mate. And Boss Hogg didn’t disappoint. AC was struck on the pad, and Leggy’s finger was up before the bowler had appealed, a reaction time quicker than Ben Johnson on steroids.

Cowlard trudged off feeling kippered. Meanwhile there was no sympathy from the stands. Meeky had set the Steve Rendu clock to time Cowlard’s knock: “Andy, the clock hasn’t moved” quipped Meeky, “a bit like your feet” chipped in Palmer. AC was adamant he was two yards down and the ball was swinging to leg. Non-striker Ted later confirmed: “I’d have given it out with my eyes closed”.

Boom Boom shored up the late order with some classic leg side lofts for an unbeaten 26. Ernie guided a quick 16 down to third man. Sheriff Hallam’s early season form had been Bradman-esque so it was no surprise to see him bowled for a golden duck. Dave Hiller was last out to see us to a reasonable 147 at tea.

Tea was sponsored by Top Man. Leggy had clearly decided that umpiring at both ends deserved two teas. His review of this week’s fayre was ‘workmanlike’. Highlights were Bob Green’s ham sandwiches, the downside the Show raffle tickets for dessert.

In reply Cowlard and Dangerous Dave 1 in 4 Hill(i)er bowled good spells but at 30-0 we needed a breakthrough. Drurs took a sharp catch at mid off to see off one of the openers, but we needed a bit of magic.

Much to the relief of the senior pros, flighted filth was introduced for the first time this season. Ted was a little alarmed as Matt asked: “skipper, what would you like me to bowl?” But Murali immediately turned the match. Matt wasn’t sure which way the ball would turn so cleverly bowled a straight full toss that Leggy happily judged to be plum.

Then one of the most comic dismissals in living memory. Long Whatton’s big hitting no.4 tried to tickle Murali’s doosra around the corner, only to slip on the footholds. Gravity took over and the big fella pirouetted ungracefully to the floor. Upturned like a turtle, he did a passable version of a 1980’s breakdance backspin, only for a trailing leg to smash the stumps to the floor.

We were then well on top but heavy drizzle was in the air. We quickly chipped away at the wickets while the run rate rose: 60 off 10 then 40 off 4. As ever, panic wasn’t far away. Dangerous Dave Hiller took the advice to bowl ‘full and straight’ to the extreme, delivering a waist high full toss that was top edged into the Vicarage for six. This worked in our favour though as the bar of soap was switched for a nice dry ball to see out the remaining balls without alarm.

A win by seven runs and 18 points in the bag. Best bowling was from Murali: 4-32 off 10 overs, well supported by Hiller 2-40, Cowlard 1-36 and Hallam 1-23.

The fun didn’t stop there. The senior pros’ dressing room was blue with quite appalling language. Ted had to call young Hiller in for detention, such was the dog’s dinner that had been made of the scorebook. In the other corner, the Sheriff was incandescent with rage with thefts from his kit bag. Some KCC cheques had gone astray, only to be found where he’d left them, on the dressing room ledge. More worryingly his prized underwear and socks had been pinched and are still missing. Early reports that the outsize bloomers had been set aside as a spare sail for HMS Collison remain uncomfirmed. Poor Dave had to arrive commando at the Buzz much to the delight of the WAGS.

Difficult to imagine a more enjoyable day, and the laughs and piss taking went on long into the night.

MOM: Murali Burton

MOM in running: Jean 1, Potty 1, BJ 1, Sheriff 2, Murali 1