Boys To Men

Keyworth 1st XI recorded their first victory of the season by battering Loughborough, who were plying their trade in 1A last season. Ten of the KCC players arrived by the 12.45pm deadline, but Chairman of Selectors Graham continued his “bigger than the club” attitude by turning up late again. The pavilion was reminiscent of Delhi, as Captain Rendu hoped to improve his more runs by tucking in to an Indian microwave meal for one, including naan bread. Meanwhile, the new KCC green caps (sponsored by Cottee Fibres) were dished out to great excitement.

Despite losing the toss, Rendu was happy to be inserted. Graham & Ladd put on a truly awful 40 partnership for the opening wicket, before Graham (33) played round a straight one. Ladd soon followed for 19, and Parker for 17. These scores didn’t look much but would prove to be worth double on a stodgy wicket and outfield. The atmosphere nearly turned nasty at drinks, with Garland spilling orange on Loughborough fat lad’s hand. As the tubbly lad wiped his hand down Garland’s back, steam appeared out of the KCC keeper’s ears, but he left before flattening the big unit. As the gentle breeze picked up, HMS Collison blew over – the sightscreen saved from someone’s back garden by the sturdy hedge at the bottom end. Distracted, the middle and late order made little impression, aside from Geoff Tindsley’s patient performance. He batted for nearly 30 overs for 46*, and with Andy Hiller having learnt to hit if off the square over the winter, the Millers reached 173-9 off 48 overs. Loughboro came off looking pleased, but Club Statistician Barry knew this was at least a par score, particularly as new groundsman Barrie Rainsford had marked out boundaries that were nearer Plumtree than the wicket.

Tea was another quality affair from Justine Graham, ably assisted by Rebecca Collison, with cream tarts and juicy melons the highlights.

Rendu mirrored Fergie’s FA Cup Final half time team talk by throwing hot tea all over Baker’s generous backside. Garland was mesmirised, forgetting that he should get ready to keep. Baker was happy to lie to the umpires and opposition about the keeper’s “dodgy tummy”, although the spinners tea stained trousers did leave many wondering if Baker had also followed through. Despite loose bowels, the Millers made a tight start and at 13-2 off 10 overs, Loughboro were “behind the 8 ball”. Despite the best effort of Extras, who scored 10, the visitors disintergrated quicker than a Forest play-off side, with no player reaching double figures. Hiller and Rendu bowled bullet straight, and with 6 LBWs, tore through the batters. The fielders supported their strike force well, bar a horrible threw from Collison that missed keeper Garland by a mile, and Laddy who showed off his Billy Smart’s circus juggling in the slips by dropping a dolly. Aussie Doug brought shame on the team by appealing for an LBW from square leg which had the umpires squirming. With the tail in, Baker smelt some cheap wickets, and took 2-0 in 9 balls to wrap up the match. 39 all out must be a record low for Loughboro, who failed to hit a boundary in their innings. Hiller was the star man though returning 9-2-12-5 ; a Personal Best for KCC.

A great win for the Millers, whose mixed bag of “real men and metrosexuals” showed their true colours in the changing room afterwards. Parker made his debut in the showers, but turned his “match pants” inside out for the evening’s drinking. Tindsley’s glowing performance on the field was matched by his shiny skin off it thanks to his L’Oreal moisturiser. However it was captain Rendu who stole the show with a sleeveless figure hugging T-shirt that was more camp than a row of pink tents.

MOM : Andy Hiller
TFC : Dale Collison

MOM Total : Ian Graham 1, Andy Hiller 1